Please Read

Ironically, I started writing this post and this past week has been National Infertility Awareness Week.  There were some really good articles on the front page of MSN regarding infertility.  I don't really know how to express how I feel about it because I feel like my journey is not as rough as some others have endured, at least, not yet.
It's a hard thing to explain.  I don't think anybody can truly feel what it's like until you've experienced it.  The loss and disappointment and confusion month after month.  I've blogged about how it can consume you.  How your world revolves around ovulation and it takes the fun out of living almost, because nothing else matters.

How so many people want to help and there isn't anything anybody can do but listen.  At least I've never felt alone. It's like a special little "club" you get to be a part of full of words like IUI, Progesterone, Femara and trigger injections.  The days of your cycle are the only days in the month that matter, no standard calendar around here.  And dang it all if you forget to take your temperature before moving in the morning or asking your husband to please take the dog out potty.  You may have just blown 30 days of conception planning.  You get ONE shot.  And 29 days of hoping and nothing.

It's hard to explain how genuinely happy you can be for your friends who are getting their bundle of joy but at the same time, how insanely disappointed and jealous you can be that it's not your turn.  It's weird to have those same feelings at the same time.  A surge of joy and a nag of despair all at once.  It is so foreign to me that one day you can wake up and decide you want and baby and 9 months later actually have one.

The one thing I have, and am grateful for, is that this isn't a surprise to me.  My patriarchal blessing's wording has always made me feel like getting pregnant and having a family would be hard.  I went into this expecting it to be the way that it is.  I feel lucky for that, because I don't handle surprises well.  I also don't handle not getting what I want very well.  I wasn't expecting Vampire Baby, that one really threw me for a loop, but it explained a lot and helped me remember that there is a Higher Being in charge who see the big picture.

So I sit here patiently waiting.  We spent last Wednesday in the temple doing sealings.  The first time since our own sealing.  Helping other families become eternal while our little ones wait on the other side of the veil.  I hope they're learning a lot.  I sat in the Celestial Room praying (it really is the best place to pray) and finally feel like we're getting close.  The years have passed and I never felt like we were close.  It was always an empty, you still have to be patient kind of thing.  I'm clinging onto that right now.  That maybe things will happen for us this year.  Is it weird that every time a new little baby coos at me I always think he's telling me about my kids (and his future little friends) who are waiting to come to our family?  ALWAYS.

Here are some snippets of the articles from MSN that really struck home (links are below):

"'Just dealing with my own emotions was difficult enough, so I didn't talk about it at all.'
Many women dread hearing what family and friends might say, which is why 43 percent of 549 people surveyed by RESOLVE stayed quiet. 'I didn't want people putting pressure on me; I already felt like a failure,' says Fran Meadows, 38, of Queens, NY. 'I'd grin through baby showers, then cry my eyes out afterward.'

The keep-it-on-the-down-low mentality only perpetuates more secrecy, says Sharon Covington, director of psychological support services at Shady Grove Fertility Center in Washington, DC. 'Women think there's something wrong with them while the rest of society has no problem getting pregnant.'"

http://health.msn.com/pregnancy/the-invisible-pain-of-infertility

http://health.msn.com/pregnancy/birth-story-a-light-at-the-end-of-infertility?page=1

The whole point of blogging about this is to open dialogue.  There is no shame in infertility.  There is no fault.  It shouldn't be this big taboo subject.  I am so grateful to those who have shared their story in turn with me and everybody else who have opened their hearts and arms.  There are SO many people dealing with this, many of them suffering alone and in silence.  Please know you are not alone.  We are so blessed to live in a time where there are options to helping us fulfill our dreams of having a family.  It WILL happen.