Tender Mercies

I have been overwhelmed by an outpouring of love and genuine kindness. To the point where I couldn't help but cry tears of gratitude at 3 a.m. this morning. Not only for the wonderful family and friends around me, but also for a Heavenly Father who has put me on this path. Albeit, not the one I was anticipating, but one ultimately for my good.

I have hesitated sharing our story due to the lack of answers but feel it is time now, for the sole purpose that I believe the sum of the whole is greater than the individual parts.

Our journey began with infertility. We have been dealing with this for the last 18 months. After 6 rounds of increasing dosages (and awful side effects) of Clomid, we took a break in December. For 2012 we decided to visit a specialist and pursue more aggressive methods. We had our consultation last week and I went in yesterday for my first rounds of treatments and they found a large mass in my abdomen, about the size of a recipe card pushing my left ovary out of the way. So instead of the baby making treatments I was anticipating, I was thrust onto a rollercoaster ride of unknowns that included tumor mapping bloodwork and an upcoming MRI.

They don't know what it is. It has the density of a kidney with a large blood supply to it. It also looks like it may be bridged to my uterus. We won't know for sure until my MRI next week. I feel peaceful that everything will be ok. I don't feel like it's the big, scary "C" word, but if it is, we'll fight and deal with it.

I am scared but so grateful for my husband who is a worthy priesthood holder in our home and for the blessing he was able to give me. It has brought us closer together and to our Savior on our knees in the last 24 hours.

So right now, the baby plans are on hold until we can figure out what is going on and how to proceed. We have lovingly named the little monster "Sulley" and hopefully weighs 40 pounds. :)

Strange as it sounds, I'm grateful for our infertility because who knows when this would have been discovered without this trial. So while I feel like we've taken 50 steps backward, it actually could be a giant step forward in the long run. As thoughts of "why" tumble around in my head, the thought of "why not me?" resonates too. I am so blessed and have put my faith in the Lord as there isn't anything I can do. How grateful I am for His sacrifice as I couldn't walk this path alone.

As big as a shock as it was (I'm not in pain, I didn't know it was there) I know my Heavenly Father is aware of my plight. As things came to light, His tender mercies were shown to me time and time again. By my cute brother-in-law following his prompting to put my name in the temple for no apparent reason yesterday, to meals being brought in. I can't thank you enough for your love and support. For being instruments in the Lord's hands and making my burden feel a little lighter.

Mosiah 18:8-9- And it came to pass that he said unto them: Behold, here are the waters of Mormon (for thus were they called) and now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light;

Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the first resurrection, that ye may have eternal life—

Thank you for being witnesses of a living God. I will keep you posted as answers become available.