I've felt guilty for so many things. For not enjoying the moment more (kinda hard to do when you're sleepwalking through), for taking my sweet baby from her Heavenly Father (again, I realize it's all part of the Plan and that she chose to come and am so grateful she chose us, but it's one of those things I've felt), for my milk not coming in sooner (I tried, but I was about a day behind and felt she was for sure starving), for her not pooping enough (according to the hospital schedule), etc. etc. etc. The list goes on and on.
And then there's the absolute failure I've felt in taking care of myself - my blood pressure is still high and worrisome, I forget to eat and drink and rest which are all necessary to produce milk and lower my blood pressure, etc. etc. I've felt absolutely, positively overwhelmed. If I can't even take care of a ravenous, sleepy newborn and myself, how on earth am I ever going to throw the dog, cooking and laundry into the mix? And those are just the basics - not including cleaning, pumping, working, etc. It's all been a little much.
Tuesday the 19th was the absolute worst. I'd been going on 6 nights of minimal sleep (I hadn't slept decent since right before I was admitted to the hospital) and Zoey had wanted to nurse ALL. NIGHT. LONG. I had drifted off to sleep around 3 or 4 a.m. and for some reason woke up with a start around 5:45 a.m. reaching to feed the baby even though it wasn't time for her to eat and she was fast asleep. I realized I hadn't set my alarm to feed her and was fumbling around to nurse her anyway when I heard seizure activity coming from Maggie's crate. I woke Dallin up and he rushed to her. He got her out and she continued her pacing. She had another seizure outside and then another one in the house. I left Zoey crying in her changing station as I'm trying to push Valium into Maggie, call the emergency doc to see how much to give her, Dallin is cleaning up the mess she made and it was all just SO MUCH. I just about shut down. The lucky part was that she had the seizures so close to opening time at the vet so I sent Dallin to hospitalize her while I got myself and Zoey somewhat ready for her newborn checkup at the pediatrician. Maggie did well at the hospital and we're not sure what set her off. All I know is that we're stopping all treatments except her pills because we know those work. I've been a nervous wreck every night listening for her but she's been ok since (knock on wood).
We are slowly starting to figure everything out. After our horrible Tuesday, Zoey has started to have a better schedule eating every 2.5-3 hours and I've been able to get some stretches of sleep in there. Can you tell I don't do well when I'm tired? I'm still tired but at least there are glimpses of sleep instead of my bed just taunting me. I'm so lucky to have my mom and mother in law to help since Dallin has been back at work. One bright light is that I'm back to my pre-pregnancy weight already. And I have feet again! I am able to fit into my shoes. I can't fit into my pants but that's ok.
We took Zoey in to the pediatrician on the 27th since she hadn't pooped in days. She'd lost more weight so my milk volume isn't sufficient. They called her "failure to thrive." I just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. After spending the previous evening in the ER with hemorrhaging and then this I was just at my wits end and just need SOMETHING to go right. So for now I am breastfeeding, then Dallin is supplementing her with formula and a bottle while I pump. We'll see if I can get a better supply in. To be honest, having him help with her feeding has lifted a huge weight off my shoulders since it's not just all me, all the time. She seems more alert now that she's getting an extra ounce of food too. It's just hard to not feel like I'm failing at this too. But I am giving it my best and not giving up on breastfeeding yet...
So here we are. My honest take and raw feelings and emotions in my new role as mother. I haven't transitioned nearly as gracefully as I'd hoped and it hasn't come as naturally as I'd planned. It is HARD and I'm taking it a day at a time, sometimes a moment at a time. I hope things start coming smoother and my daughter forgives her mother for her shortcomings. I am so lucky to have such a sweet, patient baby - she truly is wonderful and an angel baby.
3 comments:
You are doing GREAT! This is all normal, you are not alone. Please keep up the breastfeeding, it WILL get better and everything will start to click soon. Don't blame yourself, that sweet darling baby is in the best hands in the whole wide world.
Ugh, I'm not looking forward to June when I go through that same newborn shock and sleeplessness and anxiety. But I do know from my three previous babies that it DOES get better. Hang in there!
One more note -- I swear I read that breastfed babies may not poop as much anyway. Something about the way breast milk is absorbed in the tummy. And you don't want nipple confusion by switching back and forth between the bottle and you too much. Just keep nursing and nursing -- this resource I found helpful:
http://intermountainhealthcare.org/blogs/Pages/What-did-your-path-to-breastfeeding-success-look-like.aspx#
I know exactly what you are saying!!! It's so dang hard. Lauren didn't eat for days and I was worried I was starving her. My milk never really did give her enough after 6 weeks. I know what everyone says about breast milk and the scheduling of poopy diapers and what not. All I have to say is DON'T LISTEN TO THEM!! That's harsh. But so true. I was feeling like a failure because it wasn't was everyone said it was going to be like. I felt like it wasn't natural either and that it was just too hard. After having Jasmine I realized I needed to just go about things the way I need to and not listen to the nurses and the doctors and your third cousin once removed advice. I don't do well on no sleep either and it just made me monster mom. I say, if it means your sanity and happiness, do what it takes. If that means bottle feed her, then do it. She will be fine! How many babies are bottle fed and grow up just fine and as smart as breast fed babies? A LOT! Once I let myself calm down and get some rest while others fed my baby, I was happier, my baby was happier, it's a win win. Please don't feel like a failure. Just see it as you figuring out your way to parent your child. There is no wrong answer. I love you!! Keep it up, I know it's hard but I also know you are rockin it!
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