Agony About An Almost

How can you say no to this little face? I wish I didn't know. But I do. Because I did.

Meet George. I look at KSL for puppies to fill my free time at work. Dallin only likes English bulldogs so I focus on those. I found him last week and fell in love. They even had a video of him learning to sit (!). He was 9 weeks and potty trained, crate trained, slept through the night. Everything.

I convinced Dallin to trek down to Orem with me and Cami and Wrigley to meet the pup. He was even cuter in person. We were a little worried because he went nuts and was super hyper but they said he did that with new people. He was also very nippy, like all puppies are, I guess. He nipped Wrigley on his finger! One of my fears is getting bit by a dog so it was nerve-wracking for me. But him clamping on to my pant leg and dragging it around was too cute.

We decided to wait and make a decision over the weekend to be sure. He was a decent price (but still oh, so expensive) and came with his crate, food, leash, bowls, toys, etc. By Monday the guy lowered the price a little for us and we jumped at the chance! We told him we'd meet him at Ikea in Draper at 9 p.m. I drove around in a daze and realized I should probably get some puppy stuff if we were bringing him home. Most importantly, a puppy pen we could leave him in while we were at work so he didn't destroy the house until we were there to monitor the chewing stage.

I got home and Dallin looked really nervous. That made me really nervous. We went back and forth and I was bawling and it was a mess. We called the guy and said we had some reservations, mainly because he didn't have the vet papers so we couldn't verify his health. We decided that I'd go down and pick him up in the morning.

I spent a VERY restless night and still kept going back and forth. I would feel good about it, then get really nervous. Around 7 a.m. I texted and cancelled. He was really cool about it and said they didn't mind keeping him and his wife would be happy. It made me so sad that I was making her sad by taking her puppy away. We never got a straight answer as to why they were getting rid of him so fast anyway.

I was on the verge of tears every second that day. I looked on KSL and they had re-listed him at about a 20% discount. So I started going back and forth again (I'm usually not THIS indecisive). I convinced myself that I could do it and was up for a challenge and when I don't have a job, I'll have lots of time to train him, and puppy bites aren't that bad and they're normal and I need to get over my fear.

I had my bro-in-law text them because I didn't feel like I could show my face around them ever again after all the heartache I'd caused. (If it's any consolation, I went through much heartache too!) They'd already sold him. George has gone to a new home. Hopefully a good home. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't heartbroken. It was so hard to take down all the puppy stuff and I still have it in the trunk of my car. But I'm also a little relieved. Maybe there was a reason we were so apprehensive about it. I hope we can get a puppy some day and that this experience hasn't traumatized us both.

So I have a little hole in my heart but I did learn lots of things about myself. I'm angry at myself for letting my anxiety rule my decision and I have to learn to live with my choices. Sometimes agency sucks. I wish someone would have just left him on our doorstep. Maybe I'm not a dog person? Maybe it's important I get over that fear? Maybe he was feeding on that? But Dallin and I had a good financial talk and have good goals and steps to achieve those goals so more than anything, it was a good, hard, experience.