Downward Spiral

You are cordially invited to my Pity Party.  If you don't want to come, best to stop reading now.

On the way home from the wedding in St. George we stopped in Provo to drop off a table and chairs we'd been hauling in my dad's truck.  Right as we pulled into the parking lot of their new apartment complex, a couple was getting out of the car; arms filled with balloons, flowers and...a brand new baby.

For some reason, this hit me REALLY hard.  I didn't even know these people, but felt my heart breaking into little itty bitty pieces.  I couldn't help but wonder if that will ever be us.  Really, truly, honestly, even with all the faith in the world, I seriously wonder if it will happen.  I really can't even imagine it in my hopes of all hopes.  Sometimes that's just as frustrating, not being able to see that in my mind.  Maybe I'm selectively blocking it because it's too difficult and gets my hopes up too high?

On the rollercoaster of infertility, I'm kind of on the downward slope.  You get up high and have all the faith in the world and are gung-ho to try everything and anything, then there are the moments where things are so overwhelming that you can't think about it without crying and you are just SO tired.  Emotionally, physically, mentally, everything.  SO tired.  I'm right smack in the middle of the down part.  Anger, frustration, disappointment, failure, sadness, guilt, etc. There are so many emotions (all bad) that it's hard to describe or reason why.

My "witch doctors" have been telling me, "June, June, June" and here we are, JUNE, and I honestly don't feel pregnant.  I don't feel a bit different so the reality of dwindling hopes are compounding.  Not to mention at my appointment yesterday my Progesterone was low and my uterus meridian was acting up.  They did not like that.  At all.  After thinking about it myself, I came to the conclusion that it's probably more vampire babies.  My fibroid meridian was higher last time and so I texted the lady this morning and she said that yes, that is why it would be high.  Great.  So now I'm going to probably go get a second opinion from my doc and figure out where this one is and what the plan of action is.  The Health Spot tells me they can fix it through supplements, I hope to high heaven that is right because I do NOT want another surgery.  The thing that concerns me is if/when I get pregnant if I'm going to be inundated with vampires throughout since they feed off hormones and you have to be very careful with what you take while pregnant. 


Is it all really worth it?  Right now, I'm not so sure.  I'm going to give it through July then head back to the fertility clinic if I don't take a nice, long break.  Here's a beautiful picture of my pills (most of which are hidden by the large yellow ones).  I can't even forget about trying for a second because if it's not the 1/2 hour in the morning it takes for me to choke these all down, then it's the shake, and if I've taken my temperature, and if I've taken my drops, and if the pill is dissolved under my tongue yet, and if I've gotten enough exercise, if I've peed on the stick, if  I'm getting to bed in time, if I'm eating the right things and I'm TIRED.

So, I'll continue wallowing until I get that burst of hope to buoy me up again.  No need to worry, just an unjaded look as to what thousands of people go through every day.  Most much more severe than myself, but this is me and my story.  I really appreciate all the kind words and ideas that have been shared with me.  I feel so loved, so thank you.