Surprises - the pregnancy, the loss, a private battle, an ER visit for random stomach spams (which hurt worse than child birth btw) and another cancer scare. After my miscarriage, I felt like I handled pregnancy announcements quite well. I think just the relief of the miscarriage FINALLY being over made it easier to swallow. But with each announcement now, I feel myself chipping away. My resolve and strength slowly eroding to what breaking point? I'm not sure. I constantly remind myself that each has their own battle and some have fought valiantly for a child and are finally blessed with one, and some still are striving hard for one. Although I ache, it won't always be so. I have a beautiful daughter whom I adore more than words. Who is better than I could have imagined and is truly my miracle baby. I throw my efforts into her because that is what she deserves and it is my purpose and healing of its own sorts. It's hard to now know when we'll have another child. I don't feel like I'm in a position to deal with the demands of pregnancy or a newborn so only God will be able to tell me when it is time, even though my heart yearns. I hate not knowing sometimes.
It has been a year of me learning my biggest lesson - that I am not the one in control. I hope to learn it quickly and effectively this time, as I feel like that has been my biggest challenge in my life. To let go and let God. I struggle to know at which point have I given it my all and it's ok to turn over the rest. I feel like by controlling situations, I am giving my all but in turn, my loving Heavenly Father is trying to show me, I believe, that I am actually fighting, not helping. I am trying so hard to let go. I have had many, many sacred experiences this year when I have seen His hand guiding my every move. So many things have happened that are not coincidence - I cannot deny. But taking that one step into the darkness to follow the light can be terrifying, especially when I don't know where I'm going. And I hate surprises. But I need to trust in Him, the one who has never led me astray.
While we were in the Caribbean, I got a rash on my leg. I thought it was razor burn and then while snorkeling in Belize, it stung. To the point where I thought something bit me and pulled my leg out of the water to check. As the days progressed, the rash got bigger and super itchy. When I got home my mom thought it was shingles because it looked just like a rash I had on my back a few years ago which they diagnosed as shingles. It was miserably itchy, still, and I worried about giving Zoey the chicken pox, so I went to the dermatologist who squeezed me in that day. He biopsied it but wouldn't say it was shingles.
A week later he called and said that it was densely inflamed tissue and the cells were funny-looking, bordering between benign and cancerous for lymphoma. What??!? It's just a rash! I panicked. He had me come in and checked my lymph nodes which all seemed fine. I had a bunch of blood work done and a chest x-ray in case it was cancer to see if it had spread to my lungs and a promise to call me with the results later that day. It's amazing how not-in-control I am. Really. The call never came and the next day I was relieved to find that all the blood work and x-ray had come back clean and a diagnosis of lymphomatoid papulosis given, a cousin to lymphoma cancer, but benign. Somehow the lymph glands overreact and cause this skin rash which is neither curable or possible to predict when it will manifest itself. I also had an order to re-establish with my primary care doctor and meet with a hematologist/oncologist to discuss my options - like possibly establishing a baseline and to ensure that it isn't cancer. The cancer cousin does put me at a higher risk for lymphoma so I should be monitored closely.
Another surprise. I was just minding my own business wanting this stupid itchy rash to go away and this. They're guessing my back rash wasn't in fact shingles and was this, also. I feel this perpetual black storm cloud following me around lately. A lot like Eeyore.
Please don't take this post as ingratitude, I am so grateful and beyond blessed to get the results I have in all things I am facing. Some, maybe most, are not so lucky, and I don't know why I am. I'm sure my time will come. I know the cloud will dissipate and the sun shine through again soon, but here I am, again, trying to learn to appreciate the rain in the middle of the storm while frantically searching for the rainbow. I have just been knocked down so firmly and frequently lately that it's taking me a minute to gather myself and pick myself back up. I have learned that I am resilient, and gaining a strength I never would have otherwise. Here's to enjoying and trusting in the journey while not knowing the end from the beginning.
1 comment:
Someone once told me that bad things happen in threes....so better times must be on the way! Hang in there!
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