Fertility

 I miscarried.  At 9 weeks.  Hurts to write those words.  Dallin and I were surprised to find out we were expecting again the end of January.  Shocked actually.  It wasn't planned and knowing our history, couldn't believe it.  The ONE time we weren't careful.  

It was pretty much the worst timing ever.  I would have been due October 9.  Which meant I would be too far along to cruise with my family to Alaska (which is silly but I was pretty upset about it), and my mom is leaving for Europe for almost three weeks on October 10.  I have Katy Perry tickets for September 29 and I could have a baby by then so there were just a lot of logistics to figure out once the initial shock wore off.  All silliness but still.

We decided to tell our families pretty immediately so they could make cruise cancellations.  After telling our families, we started to get a lot more excited.  And nervous.  To have a 19-month-old and a new baby?  I was thinking about possibly being pregnant around the holidays but to actually HAVE a baby by then?  Insanity.  But what was ironic about the whole thing was that I had just started praying to God to let us know when we should add to our family and bam! I was pregnant.  We put our faith in the Lord's timing and everything started to fall into place.  My dad was able to find our exact cruise for the week before I would have been to far along to cruise, and called and booked it, no change fees.  Called the airlines, they usually charge a $200/pp change fee which they waived because of me, and the flight was actually cheaper so he got $500 back!  He was ecstatic.  I really felt like this was meant to be and I thought even though this wasn't my plan, this was perfect.  I wouldn't be used to sleeping through the night yet and I would just continue on my baby duties without skipping a beat.  We even took pictures at Zoey's one-year photo shoot for a future announcement - I love the crying one.

On February 16 we went to the Health Spot to mainly do a dating ultrasound and to see the heartbeat like we did with Zoey.  Also to calm my nerves.  That first trimester is rough and I'm a Nervous Nelly.  And this pregnancy was a bit different.  I would wake up in the middle of the night STARVING and kept crackers at my bedside to help.  I was always just so, so, hungry.  Along with the fatigue.  But my chest didn't hurt, the nausea never really kicked in, my symptoms started dwindling; I was being prepared.

At the ultrasound they started abdominally then quickly moved to vaginally.  I couldn't see the screen from where the tech was in the small room but noticed the nurse kept looking at the tech - and he was silent.  I asked what he saw and he said he saw the gestational sac but nothing else.  No fetal pole, no yolk sac - nothing.  They measured the sac and it was measuring around 5 weeks and told me my dates were probably off and had me do an HCG and Progesterone.  Those came back at 6643 and 13.1 respectively, which are all normal ranges and wanted me to come back in a couple days to recheck.  At the recheck they had gone up but not doubled.  Nobody seemed that concerned.

I knew something was wrong.  Even if my dates were off, they weren't THAT off.  I had kind of thrown in the towel.  When the ultrasound came back inconclusive from the radiologist, I allowed myself to be cautiously optimistic but very realistic as well.  I prayed to Heavenly Father that if this wasn't going to work out, to put me out of my misery and let the process happen so we could all start moving on.  The next day I started spotting then it stopped.  Started again a couple days later then stopped.  I called my OB and they had me go in for an ultrasound at the hospital on the 24th.

We were super surprised to see a little blob the second the tech placed the wand on my belly.  There was even a heartbeat!  Man, we went from so low to being so happy, and SHOCKED!  She measured and told me I was measuring 5 weeks and 6 days when I should have been 7 1/2 weeks.  They told me my dates were wrong.  The heartbeat was low at 80 but said that isn't entirely uncommon this early in the game.  The radiologist did see a partial hemorrage in the placenta which was why I was spotting and told me to take it extra easy that week and the placenta frequently corrects itself.  Dallin started to get really excited again.  I was still not convinced everything was ok.  The dates still didn't make sense.

We had to go back again a week later on the 3rd.  They started with a girl doing her clinicals and she quickly went and got the tech.  I couldn't see the blob anymore.  They told me it's still so early but I could tell by their measurements that it was saying I was only 6 weeks.  I knew it was bad.  The baby had only grown 1 day in 1 week.  To even measure the heartbeat I had to hold my breath.  It was down to 50.  Our dreams were shattered again.  They finished up quickly and told me the doctor would be in touch shortly.  I knew what they were going to say but the words "failed pregnancy" are devastating no matter how kindly they're put.  We were just waiting for the heart to stop and my body to expel.

The rollercoaster of the last few weeks has been horrific.  To go from grieving this baby, to having hope, to losing it again is something I wouldn't wish on anybody.  As someone put it, you go through all of these plans to what they're going to be for Halloween to where to put two children to having that all shattered.  A loss is a loss.  It's been hard on both of us.  Many tears have been shed and we hug Zoey a little tighter.  We're so blessed to have her and hope against hopes that one day we'll be blessed with the opportunity of having another baby.  

It's been so interesting to be on both sides, the infertile side, then the fertile not-even-trying side.  I did end up bonding quickly with this one and then felt so empty inside.  Here I was still pregnant knowing my baby was dying inside of me and there was nothing I could do about it.  For over two weeks.  For all those who have ever experienced this, I'm sorry, it sucks.  And there is nothing anybody can say to make it better.  I sobbed the hardest I'd sobbed in a while.  You feel such disappointment, such sorrow and heart break.  And know those around you who were excited now feel the same just it makes it worse.  It's hard - to shoulder the burden of fertility, then pregnancy and now loss.  Not that it was my fault or did anything wrong but it's so confusing.  I don't understand why this had to happen, when it had to happen, how it had to happen.  I thought it was a test of the Lord's timing when we were pregnant, and it is even more so now in the loss. :(  Maybe I'll never know the reason, and hope to get healing soon.